So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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