I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
