I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
