mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
