My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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