I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
