just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
