you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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