i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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