Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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