meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
