Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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