apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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