i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize