you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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