Your mouth is God's brothel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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