Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
