i was born a porn star she said
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
