I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hippo gnu deer
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
