saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
