they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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