I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
