So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
