Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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