i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
