You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
