if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
