never play flip cup with pint glasses
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
