just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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