I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
