there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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