I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
