You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
