Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
