mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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