Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize