I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i love accidental penises.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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