I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
