no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize