He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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