youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
