I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
