i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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