I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
