theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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