you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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