After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
