she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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