my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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