you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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