I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
