when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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