I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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