So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
